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Today, June 21, I went on to the next step of my medical process which was to go to St Michael’s Hospital here in Toronto.  The Dr inserted a tube in my urethra and had a look into my bladder and what was very odd is that I could see the video screen and he walked me through the process of checking out my bladder, with video.  There it was – my cancer.  The Dr said something to the effect of “see that thing that looks like a sea anemone“.

Bladder cancer – the 4rth most common cancer among men – number 1 cause – smoking.  I am in the process of quitting – I am down from 25/day to 4/day – and I find it amazing how irritating quitting smoking can be.  I decided to cut down gradually over time as a technique because I think the only way to quit smoking is to decide you have to/are going to do it and without playing any games.  After all these years of smoking a gradual decrease is the best way I have decided to pursue instead of using the patch or, even worse, the beta blockers – that is just obfuscating.

The beta blockers come with a warning that cautions against suicide, permanent psychological damage persisting even after stopping the medication, aggression and extreme dreams to begin with.

I have decided that, at some point, you have to look within yourself and find the strength to get things done.  There is no place to run.  If you can’t quit smoking even when you have smoking related cancer then you may as well keep smoking until you do feel you can – so long as you fully register what it is you may lose – your life and everything in it.

If you feel that continuing to smoke is worth more to you than your life then continue to smoke.  I hope and pray that very few people feel that way, but I accept that some might.

Whichever way you decide to quit I wish you well and advise you to talk to your friends and loved ones, include them in your process and look them in the eye when and if you decide that smoking is more important than being with them.  I truly hope that few people take this option, but it is an option.

Right now, as i go snaky from time to time dealing with the withdrawal, I remind myself that there comes a better day when the addiction is less and less and in the end you can say – no thanks I don’t smoke.

“To all the lonely sailors who have trouble beeing seen
To all of you with heartache that remains
Maybe sometime later you might swim back into shore
If someone could relieve you of your chains ”

“All the Lovely Ladies”  Gordon Lightfoot

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